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Golden Key Psychotherapy, Portland, OR

Trust • Kindness • Respect • Empathy • Genuineness

Lee Scher, MA, LPC
Licensed Professional Counselor

Golden Key Newsletter

Happiness from the inside out.

If you'd like to receive this newsletter and updates of Lee's ongoing youtube series via email, send an email to lee.scher@yahoo.com.

May 26, 2011 Issue II

Making Friends with Yourself

The worst loneliness is not to be comfortable with yourself.

- Mark Twain

Imagine you're sitting in a room. A person comes in, sits down beside you and says: “Hi. I just found out we may be stuck in here together for the next eighty or ninety years.” Wouldn't you start making friends with that person? If you think about it, there's only one person you’re stuck with in this way, from the moment you’re born right up until you die. You.

Every one of us has some kind of relationship with ourselves. Some of us are on pretty good terms, and some of us snarl every time we get near a mirror. But whether you’re on good or bad terms with yourself, this key relationship may spend a lot of time flying under your radar.

One way to find out how your relationship with yourself is going is to listen in on that inner conversation you probably carry on with yourself through some part of the day. Does it sound like you’re talking to a friend, an enemy, or an unruly child? If you’re using an aggressive tone with yourself, you’re not alone.

Many of us pick up this way of talking to ourselves when we’re children. It’s hard to protect yourself when you’re a child and someone keeps attacking you. One thing you might do to cope is to start talking to yourself in the same nasty way. At least then you’re the one in control. So you probably brought that aggressive voice inside a long time ago to feel safer. Unfortunately, sometimes you end up carrying it around long after the original aggressor is gone. Therapists call these inner aggressors “interjects.”

So what can you do if an internalized jerk is making your life miserable? Here are a few suggestions:

1. Notice how you talk to yourself. When the inner jerk rears it’s ugly head try to relax and have some compassion for yourself. Remember, that misguided jerk inside is trying to protect you.

2. Practice being gentle with yourself. Say something kind. It can be difficult at first but keep at it. Practice treating yourself like a friend who deserves love and respect. You do!

3. Notice when you put conditions on loving yourself. Conditional love sucks. Take a break from trying to improve yourself. You’re a person, not a project. You deserve to be loved for who you are right now.

4. If you look underneath the things your inner jerk keeps telling you, you’ll often find some deeply held, negative beliefs: “I’m damaged…I don’t deserve love…People are vampires.“ If you don’t notice these are just beliefs, you’ll probably keep believing them.

5. Try out a different belief- "I'm me, unique and beautiful. I deserve so much love. People are profound, mysterious creatures."

6. When you're confused about something, have a conversation with yourself, or a Higher Power. There are a lot of wise voices in there too.

Nobody can be exactly like me. Sometimes even I have trouble doing it.

- Tallulah Bankhead

July 22, 2010 Issue I

Reconnecting with Your Body

A great deal of suffering occurs when our minds and bodies become disconnected:

1) We lose touch with what we feel and what we want.

Our bodies are constantly responding to what is happening in our lives. For example, if someone surprises us, our eyes widen, our heartbeat increases and our muscles tense. These various physical reactions come together in emotions, which send us vital messages about what we need to do to care for ourselves.

When we feel anger, our bodies may be telling us that someone is crossing our boundaries, or we have a need that is not being met. At the same time the energy of anger prepares us to defend ourselves or to stand up for what we need. When we feel fear, our bodies are telling us we need to be alert. Feeling sadness encourages us to turn inwards and gather strength, while feeling disgust tells us to turn away from something we don't want.

Experiencing emotions can feel confusing, uncomfortable or overwhelming at times. It may be difficult to understand the messages our bodies are sending. Is our body telling us we should end the relationship we are in, or is it saying we didn't get enough sleep last night? Managing and understanding all these messages requires much gentleness and perseverance, but it is well worth it. Being a person without feelings is like being a sailboat without a rudder or sails.

2) Depression

Depression is often a direct result of 'putting a lid' on our emotions. All of the physical sensations and emotions we experience are an expression of the energy of our life force. When we suppress that energy, we cut ourselves off from our own vitality and may end up feeling drained and numb. This does not mean we have to immediately express everything we feel. We need to learn how to make space for our emotional experience while managing our lives effectively.

3) Anxiety

Anxiety is that torturous feeling that we need to pay attention to something but don't know what it is. Anxiety often arises when we are so uncomfortable with certain feelings or needs we block them out of our awareness. This may happen because we've gotten the message in relationships that some feelings are unacceptable, or that it is safer to pay attention to other people's needs while denying our own. If we continually block out feelings or needs, the energies contained in them may erupt in explosive anger, crying fits or anxiety attacks.

Our culture feeds us constant messages that discomfort is not okay. Many of us numb ourselves with a myriad of substances and behaviors, depriving ourselves of the full lives we deserve. Please don't assume that your discomfort equals sickness. Give your body, and your emotions the benefit of the doubt. Do your best to tolerate, trust and value your feelings, even if you don't always understand them. Below, I describe some simple ways you can reconnect with your body, your emotions, and the energy of your life. All of these ideas are most effective when practiced consistently over a sustained period of time:

1) Practice feeling good in your body. Make a list of things you can do which make you feel good without negative consequences. Include external activities, like taking a shower, or going for a walk, and internal activities, like reciting a prayer, revisiting a positive memory, or bringing to mind someone you love. Set aside time each day to engage these activities and gather new ones. Notice how it feels! Use the resources on this list when you feel stressed.

2) Tune in to body sensations. Sit someplace comfortable. Ask yourself, “How am I feeling?” Bring your attention inwards, to the sensations you are experiencing in your body. Notice heat or cold, tension or relaxation, numbness or feeling, stillness or vibration. Practice being with comfortable and uncomfortable feelings.

3) Practice mindfulness: resting your attention on the physical sensation of breathing Find a quiet, undisturbed place to sit. Practice bringing your attention to the physical sensations of breathing in your diaphram. It may be helpful to start by taking several deep breaths. Notice the soothing quality of the in and out breath, like a wave washing in and out of your body. If your attention wanders, bring it back again and again to the relaxing sensation of breathing. Over time, your attention will develop more ability to rest with the breath.

4) Exercise. Do yoga, tai chi, or chi gung. Visit a massage therapist, Rolfer or other body worker. All of these are wonderful ways to have a positive experience of being in touch with your body. Notice how you feel after these activities. You may not be used to experiencing strong physical sensations. Practice letting yourself experience and tolerate all of these feelings.

5) Refrain from habitual ways you numb your body. We have countless ways of numbing our bodies as a way of coping with stress. We may even confuse numbing with “feeling good.” These “compensations” may include alcohol, cigarettes, overeating, television, obsessive thinking or spending hours on the internet.When you feel tempted to engage in numbing activities, pull out your list of resources (#1). Try one. See if you can an establish a new habit.

6) Practice listening to your body and heeding its messages. When you experience a strong emotion, practice noticing and “holding” it, as if you were cradling a baby. Notice that you can experience it without being overwhelmed or acting it out. Put a name on the emotion you're feeling. Is it happiness, disgust, interest, fear, love, anger, shame, sadness, hurt, jealousy, or some combination of these? There may be times when it doesn't feel safe to feel an emotion. Notice how you can put it aside and let it emerge later when you do feel safe. What message is this feeling sending you? How can you honor that message?

Participating in therapy can help you understand what your experience is telling you. If you'd like to try therapy give me a call. I hope the information here is genuinely helpful. Good luck! Lee Scher, MA offers individual counseling for adults, adolescents and elders in Portland, Oregon. For a free consultation please contact Lee using the info below:

Lee Scher, MA, Psychotherapist

3915 SW Corbett, #1

Portland Oregon 97239

(503) 998-2297

lee.scher@yahoo.com

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